Nosesplash Guests

Cute Racism

Racism is bad. And ugly. But sometimes when it comes out of the mouth of a child, it’s kind of sort of cute.

Casual MILF Hookup

This is from dontevenreply.com. Pretty brilliant. Go checkout the site and read the rest of it.

Original ad: 
26 y.o. male lookin for a cute girl same age

sup ladies! if u lookin for a good time hit me up. no bullshit just lookin for sum care-free sex

From Me to ***********@*************.org
Hey there ;)

I saw your ad and am very interested. You still available?

Alex

From ************@hotmail.com to Me

yep. got pics? how old are u, where you live?

rob

From Me to ************@hotmail.com

Rob,

I do not have any pics, sorry. I am writing to you on behalf of my young beautiful mother (MILF!) who is looking for a man to satisfy her. She lives in North Philly. She is kind of shy, so I am doing this for her. I guarentee she will be worth your while ;)

Alex

From ************@hotmail.com to Me

uh..how old is she? i need a pic for her. do u have any

rob

From Me to ************@hotmail.com

She is 94 years old. Her husband (my father) died last year, and she has been lonely ever since. She talks to me all the time about how she hasn’t had sex since he passed away. All she wants is a good fuck. She is just having a hard time picking up guys. I took her to the bar a few times, but she ended up getting too drunk and got us thrown out. 

Unfortunately the only pic I have of her is from 1937, but she still looks hot. Do you want that?

Alex
From ************@hotmail.com to Me

are u fuking nuts!!!!!!!

nobody would do that ever!!!!!!!!!!!

From Me to ************@hotmail.com

Rob I thought you said you were looking for casual sex. What is the problem here? I know for a fact that she gives it up easily. In the 40’s, before she met my dad, she was a total slut. She may be old in age, but she is young at heart and will fuck like a 20-year-old whore. 

I don’t want her to know I found you through an ad, though. She goes to bingo every Wednesday night - could you go there and start hitting on her? I guarentee once you get a few drinks in her she will be down to fuck.

From ************@hotmail.com to Me

yea i wanted casual sex not with some dried up old snatch!!! thats fukin gross!!

u need to stop writing to ads and buy her a vibrator problem solved!

From Me to ************@hotmail.com

Man you sure are picky. Sorry she’s not the hot 18-year-old model you were looking for. I saw your picture, and you don’t look that good either. I personally think you can’t do much better than her anyway. She is probably your only chance to get laid tomorrow. What do you say? Either stay at home with some lotion and tissues, or go to the bingo hall and get some MILF action. 

How about you just hook up with her? If you are nervous, it doesn’t have to lead to sex right away. Just hook up with her and see where that takes you.

From ************@hotmail.com to Me

stop writing me!!! im sick just thinkng of this!!

Dinosaur Comics: Earth Angel

Check this comic out. Dinosaur Comics is no stranger to the online comedy community. As usual, this comic is great. Enjoy.

“Special Wife” - dontevenreply.com

Yet another brilliant post from dontevenreply.com. This one takes a little while to build, but the reveal towards the end made me laugh out loud in sort of an embarrassing manner.

Original ad: 
I need the help of a drywall expert to repair a large hole in our hallway wall. The hole is about three feet wide. You will need to bring all materials needed, but I will cover the cost. I can send pictures of the hole if requested.

Please respond with availability and a reasonable rate.

From Me to *************@*********.org

Hey,

I saw your ad and will be able to help you out. The best thing to do for dry wall holes is to tape over the entire hole with strips of duct tape, and then paint over the duct tape. If you have wallpaper, I could just put wallpaper over the hole. That would be even easier. After the repair, nobody should lean up on the wall or it will probably tear again. I suggest hanging a picture over the hole. I have some old framed pictures of Bon Jovi that I could bring and install over the hole.

I am available all week, and my rate is $25/hr. When can I stop by?

-Dan

From Brittany ********* to Me

Hi Dan! Thanks for the quick response. Sounds good! I will forward this e-mail to my husband and he’ll get back to you ASAP. 
Thanks!
Brit

From Bryan ********* to Me
Dan,

My wife sent me your email, but I don’t think she actually read/understood what you wrote. If you are serious, then we don’t need your help. I hope that isn’t how you actually repair things. Regardless, I will tell my wife to actually read the emails before sending them to me.

Regards,

Bryan

From Me to Bryan **********

Good afternoon Brian, 

Your wife doesn’t sound too smart. I was going to recommend Hooked on Phonics, but she seems to be capable of writing. I think she just does not have the ability to comprehend what she is reading. I have a cousin who is “slow”, and there is this really good remedial school in Philly that he went to. They offer some classes that help with reading comprehension. If you want, I can look up the school and send the information to your wife. 

- Dan

From Bryan ********* to Me

Heh heh, that might be just what she needs…

From Me to Bryan **********
CC: Brittany *********

Great! I’m forwarding our conversation to your wife, along with the school information.

The name of the school is “Smithbridge School for Special People,” and you can call them at (***)-***-2195.

From Bryan ********* to Me

Oh boy…please don’t…

From Brittany ********* to Me

What a jerk you are. Excuse me for being busy and quickly browsing through your letter. Go to hell!

From Me to Brittany *********

Brit, you should really consider this school. It might not seem like it, but they actually can help you. It did wonders for my cousin. He used to just stay at home with his aunt all day, but now he has a great job at McDonalds. Please, just give them a call.

-Dan

The Plumber That Can’t

This is a post from dontevenreply.com and it is hilarious. DontEvenReply.Com is a collection of emails sent to people who post classified ads with the intention of messing with them. The author (who remains anonymous for obvious reasons) is brilliant. Go check out his site. But make sure you come back!

Original ad: 
I NEED CASH! I am a handyman and can do all kinds of work. I do plumbing, dry wall, electric, general construction, and any other job you need done! Email or call

From Dan Gibson to *************@********.org
Hello,

Your handyman skills are needed. I have a problem I was hoping you would be able to help me with. Last night, when I was throwing up, I accidentally dropped my phone in the toilet and flushed it. It is a small phone, so I am pretty sure it made its way to my septic tank in the backyard. I need to get this phone back. It has an irreplaceable picture of my friend Tim hooking up with a fat chick, and I need this picture so I can taunt him with it for the rest of his life. 

I will hire you to sift through my septic tank to find the phone. It is a 1250 gallon septic tank, and has not been drained in a while. On the plus side, I will let you keep anything you find that is not my phone. There is probably a ton of spare change that was accidentally flushed, and maybe some other treasures. The pay for this job could potentially be huge.

Please let me know when you can help. I am free all week. Just contact me via e-mail, because my phone obviously is in a world of shit (no pun intended)

Thanks,

Dan

From ivan ******* to Me

you must be out of your fucking mind.

From Dan Gibson to ivan *******

So is that a yes? Your handyman ad said that you did plumbing.

Dan

From ivan ******* to Me

yeah but did it say that i swim through tanks of fucking shit? no.

you couldnt pay me a thousand dollars to do that.

From Dan Gibson to ivan *******

Well I just thought that was implied with “I do plumbing.” I didn’t realize it meant that you didn’t take jobs that you are too scared to do.

I just remembered, a while ago, my ex-wife’s engagement ring was accidentally flushed when I was nailing her on the toilet. If you find it, it is yours. It is only a cubic zirconia (fooled her, ha ha!), but it is still probably worth about $50. 

I also just flushed some air fresheners down the toilet, to freshen up the septic tank for you.

Are you going to help me now or what?

From ivan ******* to Me

Wow You sound like a real classy guy. you dont need a handyman what you need is a fucking septic tank expert with a death wish. fuck off.

From Dan Gibson to ivan *******

Nah, I think I just need a REAL handyman, not some pussy who says he does plumbing but then backs out when he finds out that the job is too hard. It isn’t even a hard job, so I don’t know what your problem is. Hell, my 10-year-old son could do this. In fact, he has done this before. I’d ask him to do it again but the ex took my kids and moved to Arizona.

Will you hurry up and do the job? The phone is still ringing when I call it from the house, but the battery life will not last that long. I think I can even hear it when I stand outside over my septic tank. Tell you what, while you are sifting through it, I’ll flush down some soap to clean the tank a little bit. 

From ivan ******* to Me
gee i wonder why your wife took your kids…FUCK OFF. you are a fucking retard!!

24.7.365 - The End of Availability

Joe Aimonetti is our lead designer and runs 503Creative here in Portland Oregon. Here are his thoughts on the current state of Social Media. Very interesting.

503creative:

Seems contradicting, right?

With the proliferation of personal availability tools (read: Twitter, Facebook, iChat, Texting, Mobile Internet, etc.) I wonder if availability will soon collapse on itself. I believe there is some adage that implies something to the affect of: “Items of convenience lead to more busyness.” In other words, the more time-saving tools we have, the more we fill our saved time with more things, which in turn require advanced time-saving tools. And the vicious cycle continues.

Communication has become so convoluted with options that I’ve found myself resorting to “none of the above”. Are you on Twitter? No? Oh, I’m on Twitter now, not Facebook. You’re still on MySpace? I only use email. Just text me. Read my blog and you can keep up with me. Follow my status updates. What’s your screen name?

It’s endless. Not too long ago you had Instant Messenger, Email, and Phones. That’s about it. And not that long before then, it was pretty much just phones. But who needs a phone call when you can exchange several text messages without having to figure out how to say goodbye.

Later man. Later. Bye. Bye. Okay, see ya. Peace. Later. Bye.

It’s endless. And awkward. Not that texting, Twitter, and Facebook are much better. Didn’t you get my Facebook message? I posted it on Twitter. Pretty soon there will be so many platforms for communication that apathy may have the greatest opportunity to win the social networking game. No one will ever have to communicate directly ever again. If you want to know what someone is up to, check their Facebook status, which automatically posts to their Twitter feed, their LinkedIn page, their Delicious bookmarks, their FriendFeed profile, and their blog. And if you’re too lazy to check yourself, just sign up to get a text message or email every time someone updates what they are doing.

A fast approaching job market in the upper class sector will most certainly be “Social Networking / Communications Assistant”. The only real qualification will be “understanding all this crap” and most of these jobs will be taken by 15 year-old high school students with an iPhone, a Blackberry, a netbook, and a dictionary full of shortened words to ensure the 140-character limit is maintained. Your job will be to keep the updates rolling in, befriend as many people you don’t actually know as possible, and endlessly comment on the trendiest topics, hoping to get your head just slightly enough out of the static to perhaps be noticed.

This all sounds somewhat cynical about social networking. To be clear, I think social media is the way of the future and understanding it will make your brand better. I also think it is important to find which platform works best for your brand and direct all your traffic to it. For example, if Twitter is your best fit, set up all your other profiles to link to Twitter. Then exploit Twitter’s unique power for your benefit. The same goes for blogging. Have all your social media accounts link back to your blog, but make sure your blog is the best blog out there.

In the end, it is my hope that only a couple platforms “win” the social media experiment and communication is once again simplified. Of course, this is not likely to happen, but hey, I can hope. For now, if you’re on any of the same social media sites I am and we’re not yet friends, drop me a request and I’ll be sure to get back with you. We’ll be virtual friend entities in no time!

+Joe+

What’s your favorite social media platform?